leaving the truest parts of the dearest songs in obvious places in the hopes that you’ll notice, catch on, give me a call, let me know you’re alright.
i don’t want to push, but i don’t want to lose hold, either.
don’t be surprised; i’ve always had such trouble pulling my hands away from your skin.
Is my new writing blog, I’m going to try and write at least once a night. I’m a bit distraught at the moment with my quality of my writing, so hopefully I’ll be able to note some improvement over time.
Basically it is just me throwing up my brain. If you follow me, it would be lovely and I’d appreciate it quite a lot, and I will absolutely follow back!
very ugly, and loved… not improperly, because I don’t think that’s a possible thing, but unsatisfactorily. I have been spoiled by poems and film.
No matter how hard I work to become OK with myself, to start working on improving myself and my quality of life instead of just complaining, I am knocked back down to where I started.
I admit, prolonged Tumblr use doesn’t help. Eventually I stumble upon the wrong things— beautiful girls, wonderful fashion, quotes, cliches, sex, photos of foreign cities— and indulge in them like sweets that eventually just leave me nauseous. I stare at each picture until it tears enough of me apart, and then move on to the next. Repeat the process until I am so consumed by self-loathing absolutely everything around me just won’t do. Least of all that reflection in the mirror. “Why can’t you be more beautiful? Have clearer skin, softer hair? Why do you have no sense of style? Why can’t you wear anything right? Why doesn’t your boyfriend treat you like you’re the most beautiful, precious thing in the world, something he doesn’t deserve, like love is *supposed* to be? (It’s not) Why aren’t you clever, creative, productive, adored, privileged, admired, insightful, strong, slender? Why are you failing in every single way?
Perhaps I just secretly sabotage myself because it’s easier to wallow in what I don’t have, than to continue struggling every day of my life to work towards only ever being a cheap knockoff of what I really wish I was, because it can’t be forced of faked, it must come naturally.
To be nothing, or to be merely a pale imitation? Some nights I feel like those are my only options.
These are all the clothes I’ve had on my floors for the past two weeks. I still have a bureau and a closet full. It’s really disgusting, and I pretty much cycle through the same week and a half worth of clothes, so this is just excessive. Essentially putting everything in good condition in a laundry basket to be washed and donated. Need to stop being weighed down by what I don’t need. I have a lot of hoodies and coats as well that I’m gonna give away, even if I like them. I only wear a few, and on really cold nights I get really horrified that there are people out there shivering. It’s not much, but it’s something, I hope.
Ugh, the photo doesn’t even do it justice. My bed comes mid-thigh. The pile of clothes comes up to my chest.
Sorry for so much of my face! Trying to get used the bare look and get comfortable with others seeing it. I get this weird, panicked anxiety that people are going to see me and be like, “Wow, it’s obvious why she wore so much makeup”. I care way too much about what other people think, and that shit needs to stop. I want to be that badass little girl I used to be with band-aids on her knees and dirt on her chin who would dance if she felt like it, no matter where she was, who spoke her mind and didn’t doubt herself, who was what she was and thought that was pretty awesome. One day.
Dammit. Tired of these nights, the sickening thump in my chest, the drowning eyes.
Things that happened today!
- There was a beef stir-fry for lunch today at work and it was so good I wanted to roll around on the floor just clutching at my stomach and moaning and drooling. I was so sad when I got full.
- People made fun of my sneezes.
- I didn’t go crazy and start laughing maniacally / sobbing in the middle of the kitchen, so that was good.
- An old lesbian smacked my ass.
- I guess I still can’t go a day without cracking up because at one point on Skype with Cyndi I giggled for 10 minutes straight until tears came to my eyes, and then my mood swung ridiculously fast to the other end of the spectrum and suddenly I was bawling hard and I didn’t know why, and I felt like I was being joked. I’m a nut.
- A boy from Turkey proposed to me.
- PIZZA, BITCHES.
- Also Skyped with the boyfriend which was nice. I hate to seem clingy, but going all week without seeing his face just gets to me. I know I have him every weekend, but the 5 nights alone kill me.
- Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better about the whole J business but then one little detail gets me all shaking and pining again. There’s no escape.
- Got my paycheck! Only 330 bucks, but it’s enough. Made out a budget for the month and I should have enough for everything I want by the end of it. (How lucky am I! Planning for what I want, not just what I need. Lucky, lucky.)
Things that are happening this weekend:
- Going to Tonx’s after work tomorrow for a few hours. Probably going to steal his peacoat the whole time I’m there.
- THEN KEITH IS PICKING ME UP, YAY!
- …maybe buying my own peacoat this weekend!
- Hopefully going out for breakfast Saturday morning, if we can get our lazy butts outta bed.
- BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP FOR SUNDAY OH MY GOD IF YOU GUYS CANT TELL IM REALLY EXCITED TO PUT THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH
- Superbowl, whatever. Kinda hoping no one else is at the house so I can just hang out with K, but… if people show up I will do my best to be sociable :)
Now I just gotta finish up with this to-do list I’ve been slowly making progress through since I got home. Wanna be in bed by 2 so I’m not a zombie when I show up at Tonx’s door. Although I’ll probably smell like one. Ew. Sorry dude.
P.S. CMeals, if you’re reading this, I love you!
- So sick of my own face. Took down my mirror today.
- I am always so sleepy, no matter how much rest I get.
- Having so many people in my life and trying to care about them is exhausting.
- I want everyone to be happy, I genuinely do, but if you don’t bring anything interesting to my life, it’s hard to force a relationship.
- There are a bunch of new people I’ve met that I find wildly fascinating but they have that quality about them that really beautiful, driven, intelligent people have- that makes them seem so magnificent and such quality company that I realize how much I pale in comparison. So I sneak away and hide.
- Especially if they are pretty girls because I inevitably am just too quiet and awkward and intimidated, or I fawn over them which unassumingly makes them and everyone else uncomfortable.
- I take naps shortly after coming home from work, and when I wake up my head always feels muffled and my skin hot and my lips sore, like I’ve woken up sick, and I don’t know why.
- Pretty sure I eat almost nothing during the week, and then that entire weeks worth of calories over the weekend with Keith. On more than one occasion we’ve joked that our relationship is primarily food-based/driven.
- Speaking of food on the weekend, I can’t wait to make buffalo chicken dip for the game on Sunday. Yum.
- All I’ve had today was a chicken salad sandwich (unf, favorite) so I’m gonna go raid the kitchen. Doubt there is much to eat though, at least nothing that can be prepared quietly at 12am. Meh.
- I bore myself on a daily basis. I don’t know what’s happened to me.
- Get your shit together, Chelsea.
15 years ago I ran down these same streets in this same cold. When I was little I used to smile without shame, without embarrassment, without anxiety, without an apology ready.
The thing about life that dissatisfies me that most is that the human brain comprehends time in a singularly linear way. I mean really, it’s completely unfair that when I meet a person I can only know them from that point onward. It should be possible that when you have intimate knowledge of the molecular alignment of a person, their entire timeline unfolds before you. I want to know every way the people I love have ever been. Loving a fellow human being is simultaneously mourning every second of them lost to you by the rigid forward-moving construct of the human experience. Maybe I’ll take up meditation in an attempt to collapse the part of my brain keeping me from that. If Heaven were a thing, I’d like to imagine it as total immersion into the honest being of those you love and adore most. A humming buzzing essence.
This movie always restores my optimism and sense of adventure. I want to cut my hair short and wear a big red bow, and sew my own plum-colored dress (“Lavender would look prettier on me”), and steal my father’s radio and hop on a broom with my tiny, smart-aleck black cat. I want to fall asleep on trains and wave to sailors from the sky and drift past clock towers and move into a small little room in the most beautiful village and get fat on too many pancakes and smell fresh bread every morning. Watching Kiki’s so much as a child seemingly determined my dream lifestyle. The town of Koriko is just so perfect, so lovely, with it’s ocean view, cobblestone streets, old trams, small shops and quaint parks, friendly people in vintage dress (all with a wonderful French-Italian sorta film score playing…at least in my head). This is what I want. Something very simple, very pure. A place to learn how to be, and how to be okay.
(Source: everythingisgoneforever)
Djarum Blacks, summer of ‘09: the devil boy with the green eyes, my best friend and i lighting up and smirking in the parking lot at Cole’s Hill, and K tugging on his beard and laughing so loud and calling us “typical drama kids - smoking clove cigarettes and making sarcastic cracks and staying up til dawn”. Newports, September and October: bummed off my best friends cousin, wincing and coughing at the menthol, the ashes leaving smudges on our skin. Lucky Strikes, one night in November: crying quietly and walking down streets at 2am and watching the streetlights flicker as I walked underneath, the harbor in my town cold and ghostly and hiding the dead. Marlboros, all winter and into spring and up through summer and then quit abruptly 3 weeks ago: Christmas, teeth chattering in front of the library, putting one out on the brick walls and the ember burning a scar into my right third knuckle, head out my bedroom window, my best friend gone crawling back to her ex and not hearing from her for weeks and weeks, waking up and going to school 3rd period and walking back out after 5th, living in a drug den and forgetting sunlight and fresh air, setting a bed on fire, burning a hole in the cover of my book of Neruda poetry, lying on my back on the cold pavement in front of K’s work and comparing the cherry to the stars and him pulling me up and kissing my cheek and digging his fingers into my back and whispering so fierce.
Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet
Bright Eyes know how it feels.
I sing this loud in the shower until my throat is sore.
Seeing everything you’ve ever seen was just a mirror,
Spend your whole life sweating in an endless fever,
Laying in a bathtub full of freezing water,
Wishing you were a ghost
