Well, K’s gone out already, to his mum’s and then probably straight off to a pub. Turns out this sort of quiet is lonelier. Bored so I got dressed quite nicely and did up my face and now I am going to have some marshmallow vodka and Pepsi, heavy on the vodka, although I do wish we had time to have picked up some tequila earlier. I’ll probably get pissed, write some emotional nonsense on Wordpress, loudly and violently play a bit of Skyrim or Fallout 3, scope out something to eat, and then pass out before he even gets back home.

Everything is so unhappy suddenly?

I’m so uncomfortable in every meaning of the word. Today I went to IHOP and then bought a nice new bra and some boots. I feel strange and stupid and ill and there is a quiet between K and I that I am not liking very much.

I’m hoping he goes out to the bars with some friends tonight so I can quietly drunk alone in the empty house.

very ugly, and loved… not improperly, because I don’t think that’s a possible thing, but unsatisfactorily. I have been spoiled by poems and film. 

No matter how hard I work to become OK with myself, to start working on improving myself and my quality of life instead of just complaining, I am knocked back down to where I started.

I admit, prolonged Tumblr use doesn’t help. Eventually I stumble upon the wrong things— beautiful girls, wonderful fashion, quotes, cliches, sex, photos of foreign cities— and indulge in them like sweets that eventually just leave me nauseous. I stare at each picture until it tears enough of me apart, and then move on to the next. Repeat the process until I am so consumed by self-loathing absolutely everything around me just won’t do. Least of all that reflection in the mirror. “Why can’t you be more beautiful? Have clearer skin, softer hair? Why do you have no sense of style? Why can’t you wear anything right? Why doesn’t your boyfriend treat you like you’re the most beautiful, precious thing in the world, something he doesn’t deserve, like love is *supposed* to be? (It’s not) Why aren’t you clever, creative, productive, adored, privileged, admired, insightful, strong, slender? Why are you failing in every single way?

Perhaps I just secretly sabotage myself because it’s easier to wallow in what I don’t have, than to continue struggling every day of my life to work towards only ever being a cheap knockoff of what I really wish I was, because it can’t be forced of faked, it must come naturally. 

To be nothing, or to be merely a pale imitation? Some nights I feel like those are my only options.

Today I ate peanut butter and apples, and showed Cyndi my bum on Skype. Nevermind the glum face. Good night!

Wait, here’s a happy one from earlier (ft apples mmm):

Things that happened today!

• There was a beef stir-fry for lunch today at work and it was so good I wanted to roll around on the floor just clutching at my stomach and moaning and drooling. I was so sad when I got full.
• People made fun of my sneezes. 
• I didn’t go crazy and start laughing maniacally / sobbing in the middle of the kitchen, so that was good. 
• An old lesbian smacked my ass.
• I guess I still can’t go a day without cracking up because at one point on Skype with Cyndi I giggled for 10 minutes straight until tears came to my eyes, and then my mood swung ridiculously fast to the other end of the spectrum and suddenly I was bawling hard and I didn’t know why, and I felt like I was being joked. I’m a nut.
• A boy from Turkey proposed to me.
• PIZZA, BITCHES. 
• Also Skyped with the boyfriend which was nice. I hate to seem clingy, but going all week without seeing his face just gets to me. I know I have him every weekend, but the 5 nights alone kill me.
• Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better about the whole J business but then one little detail gets me all shaking and pining again. There’s no escape.
• Got my paycheck! Only 330 bucks, but it’s enough. Made out a budget for the month and I should have enough for everything I want by the end of it. (How lucky am I! Planning for what I want, not just what I need. Lucky, lucky.)

Things that are happening this weekend:

• Going to Tonx’s after work tomorrow for a few hours. Probably going to steal his peacoat the whole time I’m there. 
• THEN KEITH IS PICKING ME UP, YAY!
• …maybe buying my own peacoat this weekend!
• Hopefully going out for breakfast Saturday morning, if we can get our lazy butts outta bed.
• BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP FOR SUNDAY OH MY GOD IF YOU GUYS CANT TELL IM REALLY EXCITED TO PUT THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH
• Superbowl, whatever. Kinda hoping no one else is at the house so I can just hang out with K, but… if people show up I will do my best to be sociable :)

Now I just gotta finish up with this to-do list I’ve been slowly making progress through since I got home. Wanna be in bed by 2 so I’m not a zombie when I show up at Tonx’s door. Although I’ll probably smell like one. Ew. Sorry dude.

P.S. CMeals, if you’re reading this, I love you!

• So sick of my own face. Took down my mirror today.
• I am always so sleepy, no matter how much rest I get.
• Having so many people in my life and trying to care about them is exhausting.
• I want everyone to be happy, I genuinely do, but if you don’t bring anything interesting to my life, it’s hard to force a relationship.
• There are a bunch of new people I’ve met that I find wildly fascinating but they have that quality about them that really beautiful, driven, intelligent people have- that makes them seem so magnificent and such quality company that I realize how much I pale in comparison. So I sneak away and hide.
• Especially if they are pretty girls because I inevitably am just too quiet and awkward and intimidated, or I fawn over them which unassumingly makes them and everyone else uncomfortable.
• I take naps shortly after coming home from work, and when I wake up my head always feels muffled and my skin hot and my lips sore, like I’ve woken up sick, and I don’t know why.
• Pretty sure I eat almost nothing during the week, and then that entire weeks worth of calories over the weekend with Keith. On more than one occasion we’ve joked that our relationship is primarily food-based/driven.
• Speaking of food on the weekend, I can’t wait to make buffalo chicken dip for the game on Sunday. Yum. 
• All I’ve had today was a chicken salad sandwich (unf, favorite) so I’m gonna go raid the kitchen. Doubt there is much to eat though, at least nothing that can be prepared quietly at 12am. Meh.
• I bore myself on a daily basis. I don’t know what’s happened to me.
• Get your shit together, Chelsea.