Death Cab for Cutie | Transatlanticism
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your doorÂ
have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
I need you so much closer
7 words to contradict my entire existence. Tell me, then, why do I feel this way?
It’s 1:13 am. Lately at night the summer has been crawling through my open window and making me breathe wet & heavy. I stay inside for days at a time. I can move in the dark without shaking, now, but something about this time of year makes everything in the corner of my eyes flicker strangely. Trying to shake it off. Sometimes it seems like I’ve spent my whole life trying to shake it off, walk it off, sleep it away. ‘It’ being whatever. Anything/everything. It’s a bad habit built into me from birth.
So I went outside today, and it was hot, and it felt like every scorching desert degree I fled from back when I lived in Abu Dhabi was catching up on me. I wore new shorts and a white t-shirt with gray converse and my hair down, and under the sweat and fresh cut grass and sand that inevitably finds my skin, I felt brand new. Like Esther Greenwood growing more and more pure soaking in that burning bathwater. I walked to my friend’s work. We sat on the pavement during her break; she smoked a cigarette, I paced in circles. Everyone with their little vices. I tried to explain how there was something wrong with me, something psychosomatic, I tried explain the nicotine sickness and the dizzy heads and how something had finally snapped. She tried to reassure me, “No, you’re just like everyone else, there’s nothing the matter.” but that, inevitably, made me feel like lying in the middle of the drive-thru for the rest of my life and never moving again.
Walked to the library. Made plans with Molly and walked downtown to meet her during the thunderstorm. I had a really good time. ‘Good’ isn’t the right word. I’m just glad it happened. I wish I wasn’t so tired and anxious and ugly-feeling all the time. It ruins things. But hopefully I get to see her this weekend and we’ll watch Alice in Wonderland together.
1:29. I promised Katelynn I’d go to Whitehorse Beach with her tomorrow, with Meg and Alex and a bunch of other people I don’t know the names of (and I don’t particularly care to know, honestly). It’ll be good. I’ll get some sun. I’m at my brother’s house right now, curled up on his couch. Don’t have much choice but to stay up until morning, walk home and get ready. I don’t know. I just wasn’t built for this.
Blah blah blah gloom & doom, buck the fuck up emo kid. I hate trying to sleep without listening to Fightstar.
“I need you so much closer”
